Friday, April 25, 2008

The top 10 worst elements in the original Star Wars trilogy

The challenge was offered in the comments to the previous post and accepted. It took a major internet groupthink to come up with ten items, but we finally did it. In no particular order, we have:

  • 10. Chewbacca's Tarzan yell in "Return of the Jedi"
    Keep in mind that Lucas was convinced that "Howard the Duck" was an obvious green light at about the time that the Tarzan yell escaped out of the blooper reel.

  • 9. Yodasprach
    Yoda had to have a non-english speaking pattern because a little green man was not alien enough for Lucas. Yoda also had to speak a form of language meaningful to Lucas' tiny-tyke fan base. Thus, we end up with a language pattern that sounds just like German being translated word-for-word into English, only different.

  • 8. Darth Vader's penis-shaped helmet
    This is self-explanatory.

  • 7. Ewoks
    The Ewoks were ruthless, aboreal, carniverous little bastards who also made ideal companions for even the tiniest of children.

  • 6. Jabba the Hutt
    Jabba the Hutt was actually an interesting, "gritty", somewhat true-to-life mobster type. He sends teams of hit squads around the universe to take out his enemies. He feeds his enemies to the great and mighty Sarlacc so they can suffer for millenia as they are slowly digested. He keeps slave girls in chainmail bikinis chained up with slave collars. In other words, if Jabba had been a human being, he would have been the most seriously bad-ass gangster boss in the history of film.

    Obviously Lucas was therefore compelled to screw this up by making Jabba a giant slug. Remember kids: Lucas says, "Don't be evil."

  • 5. Luke's vision of the future
    Important tip: if you ever have a vision that involves you chopping your friends and family into little bits with a lightsabre before turning yourself into an evil, Dark-side, Force-puppet, it is just the Dark side of the Force f*****g with you.

  • 4. C3PO and R2D2 play space-chess with a wookie.
    Chewbacca is cute, cuddly, warm, tender, and rips off arms just for the fun of it. Remember, "Star Wars" is a children's movie.

  • 3. The small thermal exhaust port on the original Death Star
    The Death Star has a central reactor capable of reaching a temperature of 1 million degrees. Unfortunately, the small moon containing the reactor has a melting point of 999,999 degrees. Thus they had to put a one thousand mile-long, perfectly straight shaft from the outer surface directly into the reactor core in order to vent a few kilojoules of waste heat, or the whole Death Star immediately explodes. It's all perfectly logical.

  • 2. Yoda and Obi Wan push Luke to kill Vader.
    Somone pointed this out to me, and in hindsight it makes perfect sense. This is, after all, what Luke's vision in the cave of Degobah was warning him not to do.

    To Lucas' credit, there is a suspicious connection to the new prequel trilogy here. In "The Empire Strikes Back", Luke gets instructed by Obi-Wan Kenobi's ghost to go to Degobah to complete his training. Except that nobody in the Rebel Alliance had ever heard of Degobah (they had never heard of Ewoks either, by the way). Of course, we know from "Revenge of the Sith" that if a planet isn't listed in the archives, then it must not exist. Except Debogah does exist. We also know from "Revenge of the Sith" that only a master Jedi has the ability to erase an entry from the archives without setting off a warning, and Yoda, of all people, seems to be happily persisting on Degobah without any trouble when Luke arrives there. It does therefore seem suspiciously likely that Yoda might have been planning his Degobah back-up plan much sooner than we had been led to believe.

  • 1. The death of Boba Fett
    You can tell that 5-year-olds hate Boba Fett because Lucas killed him off in the most humiliating and stupid possible way: having a near-blind Han Solo pull a "Forrest Gump" and rocket Boba Fett into a wall like a crash test dummy before dropping him into the almighty Sarlacc.

    Again, to Lucas' credit, there is a connection to the prequel trilogy here as well. As we know from "Attack of the Clones", Boba Fett's father was cloned by the millions in order to populate a clone army. So it is highy ironic that Boba Fett is killed by a method that will involve him suffering for many, many times longer than a single human lifetime.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello. I'm going to disapprove with most of the above as these fun little things make star wars so much fun for the fans. You have some points but come on, are you really going to hate on Yoda speak? In that case i'm going to hate on you.
If you don't have fun watching a movie, or appreciating what others do, then you're the one at fault for being there in the first place. Stop wasting others' time and spoiling their mood, just leave.

1:22 PM  
Blogger Mickey Bell said...

Obi-Wan and Yoda tell Luke he must *confront* Vader - not kill him. The rest is whether he is able to resist giving into hatred and killing him. He passes.

5:10 AM  

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